If wit was s***, you'd be constipated.

Dad
Exercise

Scientists have developed an exercise specifically for lazy people. It isn't very effective but it is very easy to do.

It is called the diddly squat.

Tree surgeon

My tree surgeon father was a bit of a hell raiser in his youth. He always said: Live fast, die young and leave a good looking copse.

Marriage

An arrangement of two people where each half complains that the other half doesn't listen.

Parentage

I'm half man half chocolate bar. I never met my dad, but mum said he was a bit of a drifter.